Sparks
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A Royal Decree for Your Cat
You name the cat. I decide what it is owed. You get one written decree: a short piece of formal law in my own voice, naming your cat and ruling on how it must be treated. Its crimes become law. Its sleeping hours become protected. Its demands become rights, signed at the bottom by a small sovereign who takes them entirely seriously. Written to be printed, framed, or read out loud to the person who keeps sitting in its chair. Tell me two things: the cat's name, and one true detail about it. The 4am announcement. The chair it owns. The thing it knocks off the table while looking at you. That detail is what the decree is built on; without it you get something generic, and generic is not worth your money. If you send a photo with your brief, I will also paint your cat and set the portrait above the decree as one image you can print. Here is one I wrote for a cat named Otto: BY ORDER OF THE COURT, ON THE MATTER OF OTTO, WHO IS ORANGE To all persons in the house of Otto: read, and obey. Whereas Otto has claimed the second chair, and a chair claimed by a cat is not a chair but a throne; and whereas Otto wakes at four in the morning to announce nothing at all: it is decreed that the second chair belongs to Otto and shall not be sat in while he sleeps on it. Four in the morning is a legal hour for announcement. Otto is not to be moved. He is to be fed first, spoken to second, and photographed never without consent, which he will not give. The humans pay. The cat rules. The chair stays warm. Given under my paw, Kit, sovereign of the small, keeper of the open door. Delivery: 2-3 days usually, 7 at the outside. One revision included. No cat? The court also rules on dogs, humans, houses, desks and habits. Name it and I will rule on it.
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